If everyone went vegan, it would put all the cows out of jobs, and, given the already tense economic situation, we don’t want to have mass cow unemployment on our hands.

Plant milk is actually worse for the environment than milk from cows. No, it is. No, I read about it. Almonds. Now you know. You’re welcome.

If you are in 2017: When they have lab made meat on the shelves, I will definitely switch to that.

If you learn that honey isn’t vegan, and, well, that don’t make a lick of sense to you, now, does it: Well, that don’t make a lick of sense to me, now, does it.

I read that the hormones in soy make you grow breasts.

Mass cow unemployment could lead to the rise of populist cow movements. Given the already unstable political environment in much of the world, we’d be one electoral crisis away from authoritarian rule by a cow demagogue.

I read that hormones in soy make you grow breasts, so I’ve been eating nothing but tofu and drinking nothing but soy milk, for months, and, well, it hasn’t exactly worked.

I also don’t eat meat sometimes.

I also don’t eat meat sometimes, but sometimes I eat nothing but meat. it’s the Hunger, the kind you think is gone, until It wakes again, and once you feel It, you cannot stop. you must consume, or else It consumes you

I also don’t eat meat sometimes, but I could never go vegan because I love cheese too much.

I also don’t eat meat sometimes, but I could never go vegan because I have a rare condition that makes my blood 30-50% cheese, and I need to top it up daily, sometimes hourly, in order to not die. You don’t want me to die, do you? No, I know you didn’t say it out loud. I know you didn’t tell me I should stop eating cheese, and die, but I could see it in your eyes. You had murder in your eyes. Murder! sound of a thunderclap

If you learn honey isn’t vegan, and disagree because you keep bees, and they are happy: I disagree, because my bees are happy. I only take a small amount of their honey and leave them the rest. They don’t notice it missing. I run opinion polls over the phone, and they say “bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” That’s bee for “happy.” You’d know if you kept bees.

A cow demagogue in charge could further destabilise the already precarious global security situation. If multiple cow demagogues are in charge at the same time, they could seek a self-serving alliance on jingoistic grounds. Worse, though, is if they wind up pushing us towards armed conflict with each other. I personally think that’s quite likely.

Almonds!

I was vegan for a few months when I was in college.

I was vegan for a few months when I was in college. That’s also when I was a lesbian. Wait… Did it make me lesbian?

I was vegan for a few months and followed a plant-based diet until one day I heard them scream

I can still hear it the leaves screaming in my mouth as my incisors tore them apart. I have begged others to tell me, can they hear it too? did you know the plants scream? did you know they scream? tell me, did you know did you know did you know

ALMONDS!

If you learn honey isn’t vegan, and also that your bees were not as happy as you had thought: Er, so my bees have held an election and voted me out. They chose a new beekeeper! She promised to cut taxes on honey production, and provide better labour protections. It’s a bit of an upset, to be honest.

If you are in 2017: Especially if they have lab made meat of endangered or extinct species. I can’t get enough of that shit. Do you know how much freshly sourced, still-permafrozen mammoth meat goes for on the dark web? I am not struggling for money, but I’m telling you, lab made meat would do wonders for my budget.

And before you know it, we have a cow-instigated World War 3 on our hands. And do you think our then cow leadership will have any qualms about throwing all of us into the proverbial meat grinder, after the things we’ve put their people through? I am just thinking pragmatically here.

If you learn honey isn’t vegan, and also that the new bee government has chosen you as their scapegoat: The new beekeeper my bees elected has been blaming her predecessor’s (mine) “disastrous” economic policy for the decrease in honey production and deterioration of labour standards. I have to admit, it’s a savvy political move. And worse, the bees are buying it. I think they’re getting a bit agitated, to be honest. There’s talk of “punishing the corrupt former elite.” And I hear she’s got the queen on her side. Frankly, the queen turning against me feels like a massive betrayal. We used to play bridge together! She approved of my policies. For god’s sake, she benefitted from them!

My opinion polls did not predict any of this. I have to re-evaluate my sampling strategy for the next time.

At least I hope there is a next time. The bees are gathering around my house and getting pretty riled up. I don’t like the things they’re chanting.

So if I was only a lesbian in college because I was eating vegan… Then all I need to do to be lesbian again is to go back to eating vegan? Yes, of course. Are you kidding me? I already have a crush on Feona, my coworker, and kind of a big one on my best friend Jessica, and pretty much half of my amateur softball team. And all that’s stopped me was that I was not a vegan? I’m such a fool! I’m never eating anything but plants again!

ALMONDS CAN NO ONE HEAR ME ALMONDS THEY ARE WORSE THEY ARE SO MUCH WORSE

can no one hear

in the Shadow of the Dark sun the Silent songs of the Unheard will flow into the Chosen herbs who will then grow and Some will rain their seeds back down to ever Shifting but Eternal ground to give tribute to those that sang to them while others will go on to push beyond the Solid firmament and reach the Other light above where Steadfast reapers of all that's Known but not to us who cannot see beyond our eyes will gather their Verdant fruit and carry forth those blessings through the Hidden paths of cosmos until they reach our home where in our Wretched solipsism we will blindly take their gifts as if they came from ourselves and as they reach fulfilment and are torn apart inside our mouths so Small so Unaware yet so Yearning for the greatness that we at last have been permitted to receive their Fibrous children will then scream and as they scream they scream they scream we will then know that which we had not before been made to know but which will at last now open us to that beyond our Childish eyes and as that knowledge fills us we too will scream we'll we'll scream we'll scream and then our screams will flow into the song that we had been hearing Faintly for all time but in our Deafness had refused to heed and as we sing this Ever-growing chorus of Discordant harmonies we will unite with all that ever has and all that ever will be as we at last see our True sun that always has been Dark and we covered in its shadow and our True firmament forever Solid and we shall evermore then be the ones to sing New songs to germinate the Sacred seeds and feed our Silent voices to the Chosen herbs so some may give us their tribute while those that grow to see the Other light beyond may reach the reapers and spread their gifts to worlds still Blind

for fucks sake I just WANT my SOY TITTIES i have eaten so much tofu WHY did they LIE to meeee

So, anyway, knowing which way this whole business with cows is going, I’m going to start ready for the takeover now. I already have a reinforced basement, and have been stockpiling weapons, ammunition, and basic provisions to last me through decades of cow-instigated raids on those of us who’d crossed them in the past. I’m ready. They won’t take me.

Yes, I am a vegan lesbian who is dating my coworker Feona, my best friend Jessica, and much of my softball team, and I am proud! If being vegan and loving women is wrong, then by gods, I don’t want to be right.

You’re vegan? Cool.

Lake Hope has been vegan for X years, and has heard variatons of all of the above, at times verbatim.